To Mend

Sometimes when I look outside of my room where the windows are always open, South Dakota can be a lot of sensory overload.

Outside my window are popping green trees and off-white trailers; boulders that jut out at my eyes, uninterrupted blue skies, and clouds that reflect the sun. There are an unending amount of trails that I could choose to make my feet wander, and the pine-cone to rock ratio is just about equal.

Outside my window there is air constantly being recycled by the trees and heat that clings to your body until you lay yourself in bed at night. There’s the sound of cars and motorcycles edging their way up to Mt. Rushmore mixed with wilderness sounds – bugs that make an irritating snapping noise when they fly, birds humming into the recycled air, and unknown animals crying at or with one another.

Outside my window are people living out a hungry and barren existence. The Spirit is fulfilling and yet we are constantly waiting to feel full. There is depravity and not just for those who are living in darkness. Those of us living in the Light experience depravity and brokenness too. Perhaps in different ways, but in ways that are no less real. The past few weeks have been full of weighty conversations, a lot of silence, and grief that sometimes seems like it doesn’t exist because it’s not the grief you can put into words.

Outside my window is the world. And if I’m being honest, sometimes I’d rather not look at it. And it doesn’t often seem inviting or comfortable out there. And this is the world I feel pulled towards. This is the world I want to love. This is the world that overloads me.

Some days I wake up and never do anything except look outside my window. Loving is hard and admittedly some days I’m too selfish to want to let my life be overloaded. But I think Jesus is breaking my heart for the lost people outside and perhaps even more so for His people. And even on the days when I just look out the window, I can’t keep myself from hurting because this is what God created me to do. To hurt. And to feel. And to pray. And to mend, by His strength and His power. And this is what I’m setting out to do.

To hurt. And to mend.

God, help me.

My Own Wilderness

 

For my first few days in the United States, my hair smelled like Surabaya. Remnants of smoky street food and smoggy air clung to me like tiny toddler fingers. But now that a week has passed in the mountains of South Dakota, I’d like to think I smell more like the air that pine trees breathe out and the chemicals used to clean hotel rooms (partly because those are the smells that remind me of Keystone, SD, and partly because my current occupation is the cleaner of hotel rooms). By day I’m a housekeeper, by night I’m a free spirit, and all the time I’m a disciple of Jesus hoping and praying for the opportunity to make more disciples. Because the Kingdom is wide open and tangible, much like the South Dakota plains, and Jesus is so graciously waiting for each and every wandering soul to wander into the deep green plains of His holy presence and multiply His Kingdom all over this earth.

Being in Keystone brings back sweet memories from a year ago. In May of 2015 a few new friends and I made our way from IN to SD to be a part of The Keystone Project and join in the work of Jesus in the International community that spends their summers here. Last year was filled with revival of passions, new growth, incredible brokenness, and an unmistakable joy that only the Holy Spirit brings. I made friends that I hope will last forever, and I shared Jesus with friends who may not have received Him yet, but have had a taste of the Kingdom and longed to be in the Spirit’s presence.

This year I’m walking the same curving mountain roads that I walked last year, but everything is different. Last year was foundational. I came to know and love the third member of the Trinity (the Spirit), I stumbled upon my giftings, and I learned what it means to listen to Jesus. This year is preparational. Much like the time John the Baptist spent in the wilderness before he proclaimed and prepared the way for Jesus, I am here, in my own wilderness to prepare for a life of ministry and preparing the way for Jesus and the Kingdom in this world.

The Kingdom is now. It’s every day. I find it in the breath of the trees and the smell of chemicals and the accent of the sweet girl from Thailand that I have the opportunity to work alongside. I find it in the interns that have come from all over the United States to declare the Gospel to those who have not heard. And I find it in moments of solitude when the Lord invites me into His presence by continually speaking grace over me.

Here’s to the wilderness and preparation and grace and the Kingdom. May the mingling of these lessons and the Spirit birth something beautiful and holy.

Swallowed

There are places that swallow you whole. Places that hold you in the core of their being and pulse so powerfully they change the rhythm of your heart to match their own.

Indonesia is one of those places for me. I have been swallowed up by every smile, every act of hospitality, every waft of sate on the street, every honk of the horn as we pass between lanes and mopeds making the commute to work every morning. There are over 1,000 things I could say about this place, but I know that paying homage to the ways Indonesia has changed me will take longer than a simple blog post.

For now, I’m going to write a few pre-emptive goodbyes so that when the time comes to say them I’ll be ready.

Goodbye to the culture that swallowed me up. There are so many things here that add beauty to my life and to the Kingdom: generosity and gratitude and hospitality being some of the biggest. Beyond that I’ll miss the respect given to the “other,” whoever that other may be, and the agreeable attitude people extend to one another. I’ll miss the way Bahasa sounds. I’ll miss the lazy drives around the city to get to the places we needed to go at whatever time we got there. The fluidity of time here simultaneously astounds and confuses me. I’ll miss petty-cabs and mopeds and food vendors pushing their carts around the street whacking wood blocks to call out the hungry. I’ll miss the obscene number of tail-less cats that dart between benches and rubbish heaps. I’ll miss the random sinks in the corners of restaurants so you can wash your hands after the meal. I’ll miss hearing the call to prayer throughout the day and being reminded that I’m among the minority here, but by the grace of God there is still peace.  I’ll miss the feeling of grace after taking communion every morning. Grace so thick it sticks to you just as much as the sweat from the humidity and the fifteen bodies dancing together in a library without air conditioning. To my dear Indonesia, goodbye and thank you.

Goodbye to the people that reset my pulse. I’m in a season of life where college sometimes drains all my life and hope and replaces it with sarcastic cynicism. Coming off of a volatile semester as a flat-lining cynic, the people of Surabaya have provided a shocking defibrillation. Each person I’ve met here lives with such commitment to their calling and passion for living – not for themselves, but for and by Grace. I have been inspired by them to live humbly, only look at others with love, grab life with all my might, laugh at myself, pray always, be honest sooner, and ALWAYS be ready. To my dear friends, goodbye and thank you for the lessons you’ve taught me and the ways you’ve brought me back to life. I’ll miss the broken English conversations. I’ll miss the unconditional love I find in each of your smiles. I’ll miss worshipping with you every morning and rejoicing together over the work God is doing. I’ll miss every bit of all of you. If Jesus lets me, I’ll see you all again.

Goodbye to the person I was when I came here. I have been swallowed. My pulse beats differently. And if I’m being honest, I think it beats a little bit more like Jesus’ now. And that makes me feel changed. So goodbye to the person I was when I got off the plane —- days ago. In the past 5 weeks Jesus has made me more trusting, more flexible, a little less worried, and a whole lot more desperate for Him. And I owe that to Surabaya and its people and to Jesus.

Goodbye, Surabaya. I appreciate you a lot for swallowing me up.

 

Prayers and Praises:

• Praise that this week I’ve had good health and safety
• Pray that I’d finish this week well and have safety and favour as I travel on Thursday

Leaky Ceilings

When it rains hard enough, my ceiling leaks.

I’ve woken up multiple times in the middle of the night to the loud pat of raindrops hitting my tile floor. And each time I get up, throw a towel underneath, and go back to bed. For me, waking up in the middle of the night is an annoyance. Sleep is precious, especially in a place that’s far away from everything familiar where the days are long and hot.

But as I’ve been praying and pondering this week, I’ve realized that the people I live among are woken up in the middle of the night routinely. One of the many calls to prayer comes just before the sun rises every day. I’m sure once you’ve done it a few hundred times you get over the annoyance, but there are probably days when my Muslim friends wish someone would forget to call and they could have an extra few hours of sleep for the day.

This past week I was able to participate in a “breaking the fast” event that Pondok Kasih coordinates. Every year during Ramadhan Pondok Kasih takes prepared meals to the slums so that the Muslims can have a full meal after a long day of fasting. We sat with sticky children and played games while waiting for the sun to set, handed out hundreds of boxes of prepared meals, and smiled a lot. Smiling is one of the best forms of communication. Even though we may not speak each other’s language, smiling is looking at each other with love.

And I have felt love this week. I feel love for my Muslim friends. I feel love for the children at the orphanage. I feel love for the staff at Pondok Kasih who have taken time out of their day to ask me how I’m doing, check in on me, get me food, and buy me medicine when I’m sick.

And I feel love for the Father as He continually speaks to me.

So this week I’m praising Jesus for love and for rain and for leaky ceilings.

Prayers and Praises:

• I have been battling fever and a lot of congestion the past few days. Prayers for my physical health are much appreciated. And prayers that my spirits would remain high despite my physical health are also appreciated!
• Praise that I’ve remembered many of the children’s names at the orphanage and we’ve been having an incredible time together.
• Pray that I finish my time here well and that Jesus is glorified in every interaction.

Cravings

Have you ever craved something so much that you felt it in the marrow of your bones? Been so completely consumed by desire for something that you felt like the last fleck of paper combusting in a fire?

I have never been so consumed by my craving for pancakes.

Buttermilk pancakes. Heaps of butter. And enough syrup to swim in. That’s all I want. But at the end of the day that craving goes unsatisfied because I have yet to find a good place to get pancackes in Surabaya.

On a slightly more serious note, this week has been one of craving health, home, and change. Let me break it down –

Health: for a few days this week I’ve felt horribly nauseous. The nausea contributes to the exhaustion I already feel from the heat every day and really knocks me out when it’s time to sleep and unfortunately at every other moment throughout the day.

Home: though I’m not 100% sure where home is, I’m sick for it. This past week friends in PNG attended “prom,” friends and family in the USA got engaged, others celebrated birthdays, and still others started jobs for which they felt unprepared but excited. And, though I am thankful to be in Indonesia, part of me wishes I hadn’t missed out on all those special and uncomfortable moments in the lives of those I love.

Change: this week I spent the majority of my time with kids and communities in poverty. I traveled to different places with the Smart Car, helped with courses in English, helped with events at an elderly home, and visited with a woman who is being kept in an insane asylum. I’ve seen a lot this week. And I’ve felt a lot too. Part of me is excited to be participating in all the activities run by Pondok Kasih. Part of me is sad and frustrated that I can’t do more to help. I long and even crave being able to see these families walk out of poverty and into a “better” life. But I’m not sure I even know what a “better” life looks like for them and I certainly don’t have the steps for how to get there. So at the end of the day, that craving goes unsatisfied.

And today I’m just not sure what to do with all these cravings and feelings except offer them to the you so you can help me offer them to the Lord in prayer.

Next week I’m starting to help out at the orphanage run by Pondok Kasih. I’m excited, I’m nervous. I mostly hope I can remember all their names. And I’m hoping the Lord gives me an extra measure of joy and hope to share.

 

Prayers and praises:

• Monday begins Ramadan. A month long fast for our Muslim friends. They fast from sunrise to sunset, and I’ve been told Pondok Kasih has events where we break the fast with Muslims in our community. Prayers appreciated for events, relationships, and the Holy Spirit’s presence.
• Continued prayers for my stomach and also my throat would be appreciated
• Praise that I’ve made it almost 3 weeks!

Papaya and Coffee

Papaya and coffee. Though not the typical breakfast in Surabaya, it is my breakfast of choice.

My morning schedule:

6:00am – wake up

7:00am – breakfast

8:00am – devotions

9:00am – adventure

Breakfast is always reliable. Papaya and coffee is the small semblance of routine I have here. Breakfast, in fact is where Jesus meets me. It is in the mornings before adventure begins that He sits with me and readies my heart for the day ahead as we talk together. The unknowns of my day keep me trusting and joyful, but it is the sameness and routine that keeps me thriving.

This week I am thankful for mornings that begin with papaya and coffee – my breakfast beside Jesus, if you will.

This week I am also thankful for days filled with adventure and flexibility.

Adventure this week has looked like the Smart Car – a mobile learning station that is driven to impoverished communities so children have a chance to practice reading, writing, and computer skills. Every day the Smart Car serves a different community, so every day I get to meet new children and talk to new women – some who have been living in poverty their whole lives, some who have moved to the slums after marriage, some who have the money to move away but don’t want the discomfort of change. Adventure also looks like Soci (Sue-chee), a little girl living in Rangkah (one of the cemetery slums we visited). Soci is in grade three and cannot read or write, but has managed to pass her exams every year, smile continuously, and be the best tour guide I’ve ever had. I don’t know what Jesus has planned for her, but her joy astounds me. Soci is radiant in the midst of poverty. Adventure also looks like birthday parties. This week I had the great privilege of attending two parties for Daddy Hari’s birthday. Daddy is the husband of Mama Hana – the founder of Pondok Kasih where I’m interning. At his last birthday party I sat across from a Muslim leader named Gus Mus (Goose Moose). We talked for an hour about his people, the education system, and the initiative that he started with Mama Hana to unite the Christians and Muslims of Indonesia. His grace and respect while speaking with me inspires me to have more grace for my fellow humans and to only look at others with love.

This week I am thankful for the small moments I can find structure and stability in sameness. But I am also thankful for the unexpected ways God is turning my life into an adventure.

Papaya and coffee is where my tomorrow will begin and that brings me comfort. Only Jesus knows where my tomorrow will end and that brings me joy.

Here’s to another day of trusting.

 

Prayers and praises:

• Praise that I was able to go with the Smart Car this past week and prayers appreciated as I continue helping with the children this coming week
• Pray that I will get enough sleep every night and stay rested throughout the week

Terima Kasih

Terima kasih means “thank you” in Indonesian. The literal translation given to me by a friend is “I receive love.”

Five days ago I arrived in Surabaya, Indonesia. Since arriving I have met more people than the number of names I remember, visited an island filled with Muslim refugees, spent time sitting and speaking with women living in cemetery slums, and practiced English with children from impoverished communities. There is much to be thankful for here.

I am thankful for a safe and uneventful trip across the world – one of the few where I did not lose or have delayed luggage, was waved through customs, and had little to no jetlag.

I am thankful to be staying at a safe hotel ten minutes away from Pondok Kasih (House of Love) where I will be interning for the next 32 days.

I am thankful for the considerate people who work at Pondok Kasih and their willingness to accommodate me and fit me into their schedule.

I am thankful for the generosity and open arms of everyone I have met thus far, including those who have next to nothing, but offer to serve me anyways.

And I am thankful to be surrounded by people saturated in grace.

At morning devotions this week, the chorus of one of the songs went,
I am here because of your grace

                I am here because of your love

And that is the truth I’m claiming today and this coming month. I know Jesus brought me here to Surabaya by His grace and abounding love. I am here to join in the work He is already doing through Pondok Kasih and to let the love He has for these people flow out of my heart – the heart He is continually breaking for the country and people of Indonesia.

 

Please pray for:

• Connections with the local people I have the opportunity to interact with
• Clear communication with my beloved translator Josephine (and Indonesia who is my age and works with Pondok Kasih)
• That I would be at peace and continue to rely on the Spirit

Jesus is my Favourite Travel Companion

Tomorrow I’m crossing the world.

Over the past few months I have been praying, planning, packing, and waiting anxiously to take a grand leap over many oceans and continents to the city of Surabaya, Indonesia. The details of what I’ll be doing, who I’ll be staying with, and why the Lord is taking me to Indonesia are still a little smudgy. I have very few concrete details. But I know Jesus is taking me there. And when I get on that flight to cross the world tomorrow, I know He has already gone before me to prepare the way and will be the companion that travels alongside me.

Today and this week have been full of packing, unpacking, repacking, and then doubting that I packed correctly. I have also made a ridiculous amount of trips to the store for last minute gifts and items of clothing, and been on the road for hours making last minute trips to see friends and attend weddings. I’ve written a hundred frantic e-mails, cried more times than I care to admit, have failed to trust Jesus, and have been frustrated by the whole process of uprooting myself for the summer to go to a place unknown to me with people unknown to me for a purpose unknown to me.

But praise Jesus this week has also been full of grace. Grace for the moments when I have failed, grace for the frustration and nervousness in me about traveling to Surabaya, Indonesia by myself for five weeks, and grace for doubting at times that Jesus will go with me. Grace is something I’m continually learning to accept and this summer I’m excited to grow in the knowledge of grace and what that looks like in the context of Surabaya.

So tomorrow, Jesus and I are crossing the world.

Surabaya, I can’t wait to meet you. What an adventure our time together will be!

 

Prayers apprecited for any and all of the following:

• Traveling mercies and favor with airport personnel and attendants (I get especially nervous in airports)
• Good first connections with host families and those connected to the ministry I’ll be working with
• Joy and excitement on my part and freedom from all fear and anxiety